This morning my alarm clock was set for 3:00 AM but my internal clock had a completely different agenda and I was wide awake at 2:10. After making several attempts to go back to sleep, I finally got up and showered, dressed and prepared to leave. Christine and Fred wouldn’t have me getting up alone and they too were awake to see me off. The drive to Toronto was great, clear and traffic-free with nothing but me and my thoughts to keep me company.

Thoughts of my mother were what woke me up at 2 o’clock and they totally occupied my mind on my trouble-free drive to the airport. As I mentioned before Mom and I have always had a “trying” relationship however I realize that it takes two people to form any relationship and the blame cannot be solely hers. I do have good memories of Mom when I was a child and I know she always did the very best she could even during those times when I was a challenge.

I am currently reading a really good book, “Everything Happens For A Reason”, by Mira Kirshenbaum which is an insightful look at our lives here on earth and it has helped me to better understand my mother’s role in my life. Mom was just different than I, but through her I have learned the importance of tolerance, self love, forgiveness and compassion. My father adored her and he had good judgement so I have to believe she had many other qualities I never knew of. Whatever caused her to be who she is helped me to understand how much negative childhood experiences can harm an innocent child and the importance of protecting them at all costs.

I found myself weeping uncontrollably as I made my way to the airport, my chest heaving with deep sobs and volumes of tears pouring down my cheeks. I cried for the friendship we never had, the suffering she is enduring now and the impending loss of her in the physical world. I know though she is still alive as I write this I will never see her again and no matter what we have gone through, she loves me with all her heart. I know I will miss her in ways I am yet to learn of and I too love her as much. Bye for now Mom, and thank you for being my mother.